The past few months have been a really interesting back-and-forth for me. A few months ago, I was sitting here wondering if this was all adulthood had to offer. I mean, yes, it’s way better than college, for sure. But to be stuck in this constant state of uncertainty and second-guessing myself? That’s hard.
But lately I’ve felt like I’m on top of the world. Things have fallen – finally – into the plan I set two years ago. I’ve been planning this move for years, just waiting for the right time. I know who cares most about me in my life. I know what matters to me. I have solid, firm plans for the next few months, as far as “solid, firm plans” gets you in New York.
A lot of times I feel like I’m floating around in this morass of nothing. I have no major life direction other than “forward” and no real tethers keeping me in any one place (other than my immediate family). I’m privileged enough that I can be in this limbo for a while. I can live with only having a vague idea of what’s going to come next, rather than having to have it all planned out. But sometimes, despite what a huge gift that is, I still find myself wondering if I wouldn’t rather be more mapped out. Having the freedom to do almost whatever you want is great until you realize you don’t really know what you want.
But what keeps me going forward is knowing that even when I feel like I’m just sitting, waiting for something to happen to me, I have the freedom to react to that Something however I want. Right now, I don’t have to take into consideration any significant others or pets or anything like that. Having grown up with incredible structure in my life, sometimes that’s hard to accept. It can be hard to take a step back from hurtling into the future, and realize that I can slow down. Not everything has to be tackled at breakneck speed, and not everything has to be planned from the start. I would by no means call myself a spontaneous person – I’m not nearly improvisational enough for that – but I would say that I’m learning to take things as they come.
Because even when I’m feeling lost, I’m still firmly within myself. I still know who I am, at my core, and I know what I’m capable of doing. I know what I stand for and against, and I know how I feel. Even when I don’t have it all figured out, I have myself figured out. I recognize that I still have room to grow, but for where I am in my life right at this moment, I’m happy with where I stand emotionally and mentally, and that’s been a change a long time coming. A year ago, I was falling apart at the seams. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, much less plan a cross-country move by myself. But now? Here I am. I’m living my dreams. It’s been a long process, but I’ve worked so hard and this has made all the difference.
I’ve heard it whispered that this is what all of life is like – that you never really know where you’re going next. And that’s scary. It is. But it’s also encouraging. Because no matter what happens, I can still be myself. I can still make my own decisions. Even as I gather more baggage, I am still me.
I can still make myself happy. And that’s what really counts.
