Tag Archives: depression

day 18. future planning.

Posted in January by

When I first started writing this post, I started it with a complaint. Complaining about what I chose to wear today. And I looked at that sentence for a few seconds, realized exactly how whiny it sounded, and promptly backspaced over it.

Sometimes I get bogged down in being unhappy about where I am in life. It’s easier to complain than to change what I don’t like, and that’s one thing that I’m really working on right now. It became a lot easier for me to just be unhappy in general than to make changes to the few areas I was unhappy with, and that’s one of the traps that leads to depression and being miserable.

It’s been a really good day so far. I just met with my adviser and we worked out a plan for the next few months of my life. It was really good to have someone to just bounce ideas off of and with whom I can discuss what I really want to do. I think the biggest step is going to be the move, and once I get that on lock, I’ll be good to go. So I’m writing it everywhere, leaving myself reminders all over the place. Save your money, save your time, always keep thinking about what you really want to do.

But one thing that I really did need to splurge on this month was this:

I’ve also resolved to read more news. Most of the time I spend on the Internet I use educating myself. Sometimes the things I’m learning about are less…relevant…than others, but that doesn’t mean I’m not learning. I’ve fallen really out of touch with current events, though, so my goal for the rest of January is to start keeping better-informed about the world.

Now, to listen to Kanye and get some future planning done.

Day 12: I love to learn!

Posted in January by

It’s definitely been an interesting few days for me. I’ve had to get myself back into the swing of school, back into getting ready for class, that kind of thing.

But honestly, it hasn’t been the teeth-pulling, want-to-kill-myself experience that I was secretly afraid it might be. That’s how it felt last semester, when I knew I was in no way prepared to handle school. And I know that sounds lame. Like, girl, get yourself together and go to class. It’s not that hard.

But at the same time, it was. It was that hard to make myself do anything beyond go to work, where I succeed and things aren’t hard and I don’t have to think philosophically about everything. I pretty much zoned out other than that, and it wasn’t fun. Do I regret it? I mean, I guess. I don’t really know how to pinpoint what I regret, exactly. I regret not paying more attention to what was going on with me and getting help for it and learning how to deal with my problems. But then I did figure it out, and each day has been a step forward.

So it was a really, really good feeling to start preparing for class this semester and realize that I’m actually excited. I still hate school, that’s nothing new, but I’m feeling like I haven’t in a really long time. Maybe a year, maybe a little longer. I always used to have this zeal for school and for learning and just generally for life, and somewhere along the way, I lost that. But lately, I’ve been feeling that again. I get goosebumps of excitement when I think about learning.

I never said I wasn’t a nerd. Because I am. Big time nerd. Big time. Judge me.

I think this is a sign that I’m feeling better. That things are actually changing. I’m back to my old nerdy self. I’m a little bit better-dressed, now that I work in a boutique, but that’s all Nerd in Sheep’s Clothing. Don’t be fooled.

My dad told me over Christmas that he really likes the gifs I post on my Tumblr, so I’m going to share some of them with you here.

Also, I realized I never told you that the other day, I bought my ticket to see Ben Folds at Cain’s Ballroom in Tulsa on February 1st. Ben is pretty much only my favorite musician of all time and forever, so the fact that he’s coming to Tulsa on his (so far) tiny Lonely Avenue tour is thrilling. My ticket should be arriving any day now, so I’ll be sure to let you know when that is.

A new year, a new revamp, and I think I’ll call this a real post.

Posted in January by

Well, it’s officially 2011, and I’m back on this blog. I’ve revamped it twice before, I think, and I have about 20 posts in backlog, but I’m going to try to do it again. No, I am going to do it again – do or do not, there is no try. So I’m going to start this blog back up and make it my happiness blog. Happiness Blog 2011. I’m going to post at least one thing every day that makes me happy.

It’s kind of surreal to think that when it gets cold again, I’ll still be posting things that make me happy.

And the things that make me happy this year are going to be different than they ever have in the past. I graduate college in April, but I’m only taking one real in-classroom class – so finding things that make me happy are going to come from the outside world, not from school things.

If we’re being totally honest here, finding things that make me happy might be a little more difficult in the next few months or so. I’m in the middle of recovering from a pretty intense depression, brought on by an unleashing of suppressed unhappiness for the past eight or so years. I know that sounds really broad, but…that’s what it is. So, yes, finding things that make me happy every day that are outside my immediate world is hard for me right now. I just thought we should be square on how everything is right now.

Today, the thing that’s making me really happy is a good rewatch of Fantasia 2000. I didn’t have to work today, so I slept in from my late night last night, woke up extremely refreshed for 2011, and have just been kind of chilling and taking care of general business since. And now I’m watching Fantasia 2000, since I got the two-disc box set of the two movies for Christmas.

I’d forgotten how completely awe-inspiring this movie is. I was in high-quality bands and orchestras for five years and have played many of the generally-accepted classical masterpieces in various groups, and the Fantasia movies remind me of what music is really about. It’s when you’re listening to certain passages that just get your heart racing, and you feel the physical expression of joy rising in your chest. You know what I’m talking about. A joy so indescribable, brought on only by things that are so inspiring that there really isn’t another feeling like it.

And I’m going to be watching my Oklahoma boys play in the Fiesta Bowl tonight. That’s going to be great.

And there really needs to be a Fantastia: The Planets. Amirite, Internet?

What are your resolutions? Big? Small? How do you plan to fulfill them?